18 years! It's been approximately 18 years since I first "heard" God call me to the Philippines as a 15 year old kid. That time period is more than half my life (I'm 33). In all that time I've learned that waiting is definitely not stagnate (still, quiet, boring), but very active and full of emotions. There have been so many ups and downs in these seasons of waiting. Thinking of the saying, "Wait upon the Lord...", looks so much different to me than waiting in a waiting room. Yes, there are waiting periods of quiet and peace, filled with anticipation. There are also waiting periods filled with the busyness of life.
I thank God that he only shows me parts of his plan at a time. When I was 15 I got the word "Philippines". For me, at the stage in my life, that one word was enough. As I've trusted Him in the little (one word), He has proved faithful in showing me the next revelation (picture, panorama) of His plan for me. In His abundant grace and infinite wisdom, He has kept me focused on Him.
Have there been times I wanted to give up? Yes! But what keeps me going forward is the first word and His continued faithfulness.
The last time he showed me the next "step" in His plan for me was 3 years ago. He gave me a heart for a home for young ladies that need family and the skills and encouragement to become who they were created to be. Bahay ng Pag-ibig (House of Love) was birthed out of this heart's desire. Over the past 3 years, I've been given a beautiful house (to rent) just outside of the city, mentored a few young ladies in tough seasons of life, and have become even more prepared for the next season.
A little over a year ago, the Lord whispered in my ear the details of the next step, "foster care". I started the process in Dec 2019 and through many tears, frustration, and heart ache, I am still waiting for the promise of my girls to become a reality. Waiting is painful. Trust can be heart wrenching. If it were up to me alone I would never have started this journey of compassion, love, and selflessness, it hurts too much.
The good news is found in the rest of the verse,
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope (wait) in the Lord
will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:28-31
I have many times grown weary, tired, depressed, and weak. I have tripped, stumbled, and fallen. When I wait, hope, trust in the Lord my strength is renewed. I've experienced that renewal time and time again. It's what keeps me going from step to step, glory to glory. In my own way, I can't. In Him, I can.
Once again I am waiting for what seems like the approval of man (social services to approve the placement of my girls). I want to fight the injustices of the system and give into the frustrations in this time of waiting. But, I must refocus and reevaluate my situation. I'm not waiting on man. I will not find fulfillment of a promise in the government systems. They should not be able to disappoint me, since they are not the ones in whom I trust.
When the outside circumstances don't look good, I need to look to the One in whom I place my trust. He said it and He will fulfill it.
In waiting to become a mom to these girls, I must place my trust in His hands, everyday.